Stitches
by Songstone
Summary: In which Kisame is literally forced to feel someone up, Sasori is love-struck, and Kakuzu needs stitches. It's all quite odd, actually. -Mania side story-not related with the original or re-write.-


**Stitches**

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**This doesn't really have anything to do with the actual story (Mania), or the re-write. I just wrote it for fun, so please, if you don't like it don't review.**

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"You don't have to keep staring; all you had to do was ask." The woman's batted her eyes. Blood-red orbs clashed drastically with dark lashes, and the look really made her stand out. "Thirty-two B."

The person whom she had addressed, a tall man with blue skin and hair, blanched, his eyes widening in surprise. "I...I wasn't..." He stammered.

"You were." The woman insisted with a knowing smirk. She turned slowly to the left, in order to face him properly as they stood side by side in the aisle of the bookstore. "It's all right."

That didn't seem to have eased the man's discomfort any, since his cheeks darkened to a purplish hue and he quickly averted his yellow eyes. He stared straight ahead at the books in front of himself, as if he might get lucky and tumble into one and be away from this situation.

The woman, a young brunette, chuckled softly at that and casually shifted her purse on her arm a bit more comfortably. "They're real, too, in case you were wondering that as well."

"I wasn't...!" The man quickly insisted, turning to look back down to the girl and _insist_ that he hadn't been staring (purposely) at her breasts.

"Look. You can feel. Nothing fake here." The woman shifted her purse back a bit and placed both hands onto her hips, her chest jutting out in all the right places as she watched the man with those piercing crimson colored eyes. She waited for his move.

However, the man couldn't force himself to do a thing. He _wanted_ to, that much was obvious since he kept staring at her breasts, but he didn't move an inch from where he stood directly besides her.

"I...I...Miss, I don't even know you..." He said, shifting from foot to foot uncomfortably as his eyes switched between the woman's face and her chest. Finally, his eyes found his shoes, and he seemed to find them a lot more interesting all of a sudden as they moved about over the carpet.

Sighing, the brunette relaxed her posture a bit. "Uchiha Itachi. Nice to meet your acquaintance."

Before the blue haired male could even begin to try and muster up a response to that, he was surprised by the feeling of smooth, creamy skin brushing against his hand. The woman before him had reached between them and now clutched at his fingers delicately.

He looked down to the point of contact, mildly surprised. This woman's...no, Itachi's, hands were so soft and small compared to his own. Her skin was so milky white; like porcelain. He flexed his fingers in her grasp, itching to touch her skin with the tips of his fingers.

In response to this move, Itachi gave a grin and slowly lifted their hands.

Was that vanilla hand lotion? It smelled fantastic.

And then Kisame had his hand on Itachi's right breast, and his mind experienced a small power outage.

"See? I told you they were real." Itachi's grin stretched wider, smugly. She kept his hand pressed firmly against her chest where she had placed it. "Go on. Feel." She pressed his fingers with hers, trying to force him to make a squeezing motion.

Kisame tried his hardest to _not_ feel. To _not_ fondle this woman's breast right in the middle of the bookstore. His fingers gave the slightest twitch at the prompting of her hand, and he was sure that all of the blood in his body was suddenly flowing to one place.

...Okay, maybe two places, but hopefully the blush was the first thing that she would notice.

"M-miss!" Kisame exclaimed, his voice high and strained against the tightness he suddenly felt in his throat. He sounded fourteen again, his voice cracking and hitting rather un-manly octaves.

He whipped his hand away like he'd been stabbed, and cradled it against his stomach, protectively covering it with his other hand. No, hand, you won't be squeezing anymore breasts today! Though, he could stll feel the shape in his palm, and he clenched his fist tightly, hoping that it would erase the sensation and set his mind back on track.

"Do you think I'm pretty?"

Aaaand it was derailed again...

"W-what?"

"Do you find me at all attractive?"

Was this a trick question? Kisame looked the girl over once, thinking to himself that surely she had meant to have asked that sarcastically. She was more than _attractive_ or _pretty_. She was the epitome of gorgeous, and Kisame couldn't understand why a girl like that would even have the need to ask such a thing. Low self-esteem?

"W-well..." He muttered, and he guessed that his face must have given his answer away, because the next thing he knew, the woman was smiling at him.

"Good!" She chirped, and wrapped her arms around his waist, pulling his body to hers in a tight embrace. Her head rested against his chest. "Because I think you're sexy, and we would be awesome together. The kind of couple that walks by and gets people jealous. Don't you agree?"

Her hair smelled like licorice for some reason. She must use that special kind of shampoo that you got only from Bath and Body Works. It smelled nice. Sweet, playful and quite alluring, drawing Kisame in, wanting him to have his nose pressed against her hair in an attempt to breathe in the tasty aroma.

"Uh. Kisame."

_Urk!_

Kisame whiriled quickly, tossing Itachi partially away from himself as he did so. He gripped her shoulders to hold her at bay. Behind them, one of his close friends, Sasori, stood and watched them with confusion and surprise clouding his brown eyes. One eyebrow was quirked, hiding beneath his bangs. He eyes Itachi with distaste, as if she were an unfortunate haircut that Kisame could do nothing about.

"Hi!" Itachi said, her voice the kind that makes a man melt with desire. It was giving Kisame chills. "Are you Kisame's friend?" She asked, looking at Sasori as she spoke. It occurred to Kisame that he hadn't even given her his name, and that she had only just learned it from his friend. But she was giving off the body language of someone who had known him all his life. She was quite good at it, and Kisame almost believed her, himself.

"Sasori." Sasori introduced himself briefly, trying to avoid conversation with the Bad Haircut Woman as much as possible. His eyes went to Kisame. "We're _supposed_ to be looking for our books." He said, seeming exasperated.

"I-I was, and-" Kisame sputtered. "-and she just-"

"He wanted to touch my boobs, so I let him." Itachi finished for him. Straightforward, happy, and loud enough for a mother and her young child to hear and promptly turn away from their isle.

"Uh..._huh_." Sasori was not amused.

Itachi gave a small giggle, her red eyes, wise and yet so teasing, fixated on the redhead. "Do _you_ want to feel?"

Kisame looked down at the woman in shock. _What_? A little rejected, he thought _But, wasn't _I_ the one getting hit on inappropriately?_

Sasori eyed the Bad Haircut Woman skeptically, and for a second or two, Kisame thought that he looked interested in the offer.

But then Sasori remained Sasori, and of course, he rejected her. Badly.

"No thanks." Sasori said, dismissively looking in the opposite direction, eying a couple of text books on the shelf. "I don't want to get my hands all over whatever made you so terribly unattractive."

Kisame stared at him, slack-jawed. Well, he had expected as much from Sasori. The man was very particular about his women. He liked them blonde, for one. And with good calves. They had to have nice toes, too, if Kisame remembered and was quoting correctly. Sasori was a very strange creature.

He looked back at Itachi, unsurprised to find her wide-eyed, her lips a tight line on her face. She stared at Sasori, as if waiting for him to take his words back. Sasori grabbed a book from the shelf and opened it.

"Itachi? There you are."

Kisame glanced up in time to see two women rapidly approaching them from an isle across from where they stood. One had some kind of foamy drink from the cafe in the store, and the other had three books under her arm.

"Who're you?" Starbucks Girl demanded, looking at Kisame and Sasori in distaste. She didn't wait for them to introduce themselves, and instead flicked her lavender eyes onto Itachi's stiffened form. "Come on, Uchiha. We got places to go, things to break." She sipped from her frappe-mocha-whatever noisily.

"Did you find your books?" Text Book Girl asked, briefly flickering her eyes towards the two men. Thankfully, Kisame had chosen that time to release his hold on Itachi's shoulders, leaving her to her friends. They didn't seem too interested in him and Sasori anymore.

"Hm? Ah...no, I didn't." Itachi said numbly, blinking and seeming to return to herself a bit. Her shock from Sasori's words wore off, though she eyed him irately every now and again.

However, Kisame soon noticed that Sasori wasn't paying attention to Itachi's venomous glances. In fact, Kisame was pretty sure that Sasori wasn't paying attention to anything at all right now.

Sasori had lowered the book he'd grabbed, and his eyes were opened wider than Kisame had ever seen them. He was focused intently on Text Book Girl, seeming to be attempting to look _into_ her. And then Kisame took notice Text Book Girl's blonde hair.

Long blonde hair, blue eyes like the crystal clear waters of Hawaii, tall and leggy but with a certain shape to her thighs and calves like she ran marathons, pencil thin like a model on those television shows... He glanced down. White sandals with a peep toe. This allowed her nicely pedicured toes to show, pink gloss shining with the reflection of the light in the store.

Ah, Kisame understood now, and he looked back at Sasori's dazed expression to confirm his thoughts.

This was Sasori's dream girl.

"H-hello."

The squeak was so awkward and tiny, that Kisame had almost thought that he had just imagined it. But then all three women turned in the same direction that he had heard the noise from, and he realized that he hadn't. He glanced down over his shoulder at Sasori.

The redhead was clearing his throat, looking frustrated that his voice had betrayed him so viciously, and then quickly smoothed his expression over as he tried again, having eyes only for Text Book Girl. "Hi. Do I know you from somewhere?"

Kisame bit his tongue so that he wouldn't accidentally snort aloud.

_So...cheesy..._

"Uhm..." Sasori's dream girl shifted awkwardly, looking him over. "I...I don't think so, yeah." She mumbled at last, giving a small smile. "Sorry...?"

"Oh. It's okay." Sasori said, and Kisame wondered where he was going with this. "You just-you look... You seem like someone I should get to know."

Dream Girl's face colored nicely, and her eyes went large. She opened her mouth to sputter something, but ended up squealing instead when Starbucks Girl's frappe-mocha-whatever was introduced to the entire front half of her peasant top.

"Hidan!" Dream Girl screamed, dropping her books and looking down on herself in shock. Itachi whirled to face her two friends completely now, and she placed a hand over her mouth when she saw the caramel colored stain on the front of the other woman's shirt.

Starbucks Girl-_Hidan_-swore loudly, looking at the damage done to her friend's shirt. "Sorry, Deidara." She muttered. Her lavender eyes narrowed, and then she whirled to face the other direction, her back to Kisame. "It was this (censored)'s fault! Watch where you're going you (bleep) (beep) (lalalalanotlistening)!"

Kisame didn't think he'd ever heard of a woman with the mouth of a man.

As Kisame was suddenly aware of Sasori moving past him, edging towards Text Book Girl-_Deidara_-he very suddenly noticed who the cause of the sudden mess was.

Kakuzu stood directly behind Hidan, arms crossed and eyes narrowed, looking royally pissed off and ready to snap something (or some_one_) in two. Then again, this was how he always looked.

Kakuzu grunted, sounding convincingly like a caveman, and moved past the women, regrouping with Kisame.

"Hey! I was talking to you, you (censored)!"

"I don't care." Kakuzu responded, glaring down at the white haired woman. "Now stop screaming. Your voice is annoying."

"_What_? You don't know me well enough to start telling me (censored) like that! Take that back you heaping pile of (bleep)!"

Kisame rubbed his temples. This was just fantastic. He had come to the bookstore with his friends, hoping to simply buy some books that would come in handy for his studies in college. It was a simple errand, and now look at this mess. A stranger had forced him to grope her, Sasori became a dumb, stumbling, love-struck mess of emotions, and Kakuzu was picking fights with a woman who looked like she could pop a .22 out of nowhere and shoot them all down.

"Is there something wrong with you? Mentally, I mean. Though, physically you're already quite unfortunate."

"What did you say!"

In an instant, everything changed. Kisame barely caught up to what was happening before it was too late, and Hidan had taken a swing at Kakuzu's jaw with one tightly curled fist. The rings on her fingers looked like they would hurt if they made contact with someone's face. Kisame was relieved when Kakuzu caught the woman's wrist with one hand, successfully stopping her attack.

However, just as Kakuzu smirked and was about to gloat, Hidan lunged.

"_Augh!_ Oh God my ear!"

And then everything went to hell.

**0o0o0o0**

Turns out that Kakuzu needed two stitches.

Kisame had never seen so much blood pool from somebody's ear before. And what made it even more horrific was that after she had finished chomping down on Kakuzu's ear, Hidan had pulled away and Kisame was given the opportunity to see her with his friend's blood still fresh on her chin. She had swiped it away before he could do a double take, but he _swore_ it had been there.

All five of them (Kisame, Sasori, and the three women, two of which Kisame was sure were there only to torment them further), waited in the lobby of the hospital. Kakuzu could be heard occasionally, swearing at the nurses who were trying to repair the damage that had been done.

Sasori and Kisame eyed Hidan warily as she say across from them. _Keep an eye on this one, boys, Mike Tyson ain't got nothing on her._

"I am _so_ sorry about this, yeah..." Deidara was saying, fidgiting and twirling the long fringe over her eye between her fingers. "She doesn't... She's never done this sort of thing before..." She nibbled at her nails and looked up at the men with worried blue eyes. Kisame could swear he could actually _feel_ Sasori melt.

"Tch. That guy deserved it." Hidan snorted.

During their wait in the hospital, Kisame had come to notice Hidan's strange mannerisms. She would jerk her head around every once and a while, or wrinkle her nose and blink her eyes. Sometimes she would grunt and snap her fingers.

And when he had apparently been staring, the albino snapped at him and told him (in very colorful language) all about Tourettes Syndrome and how he should get a life and stop staring and a whole bunch of other stuff that had actually made him blush.

"Hidan, please..." Deidara muttered, looking at the white haired woman with exasperation.

Hidan just snorted and looked away, crossing her arms.

And Itachi... Well, she hadn't said much of anything since Sasori had shot her down in the bookstore. She was currently flipping through one of the many out-dated magazines that littered the tables in the waiting room, crossing and un-crossing her legs at certain moments that always seemed to catch and draw in Kisame's attention.

"And learn how to (censored) handle a needle!" Kakuzu's voice booming from just down the corridor. It sounded closer than before, and Kisame turned his head to look, finding the brunette stalking into the waiting room heatedly, a scowl bringing the tattoos (ironically of stitches) around his mouth downwards. He crossed his arms, looked around at the five of them (who all had glanced up to observe him as well), and let out a grunt. "Are we ready, or what?"

All five of them tried not to stare at the stitches on his left earlobe.

"Uh...yeah." Sasori muttered, slowly sliding out from his seat and standing up. He winced and shifted his weight from his left leg to his right. Kisame stood as well.

The three men spared the women a glance, noticed them all whispering to one another and nudging at Hidan, and each man exchanged looks with the other. As they all turned to look at the women again, they found them rising to their feet. They walked up to them, Hidan at point, and paused just arms length in front of them.

"Go on." Itachi said, and Kisame was surprised to hear her speak after all this time. She was proding Hidan in the back.

"Don't touch me!" Hidan hissed, her face screwing up a bit as she shook her head and blinked her eyes. She glanced back up at Kakuzu once her episode had passed, and only scowled faintly as she spoke to him. "Look, I'm sorry for biting your ear and all that. All right?" She asked, slapping her hands to her hips. "Are we good?"

Kisame stared. Sasori stared. Kakuzu looked like he wanted to strangle the woman where she stood.

And then, the strangest thing happened. Kakuzu looked Hidan over, considered her for a moment, and then smirked, almost looking like he knew something that they all didn't. "We're good." He said, and Kisame and Sasori just about fainted. "You've got guts." The brunette continued. "I don't always like that in a woman..." And here, he smiled. Kisame almost thought that Kakuzu was _flirting_ with Hidan. But then of course Kakuzu proved him wrong and continued talking. "But, well, you aren't all that much of a woman, are you?" He asked, and looked pointedly at Hidan's chest.

Perfect silence.

Then:

"_You (censored)_!"

Quickly moving away from the two to prevent being caught in the crossfire of their thrown insults and curse words, Sasori, Kisame, and the two women soon found themselves standing together against the back wall of the waiting room.

"Does this kind of thing happen often?" Sasori asked, looking up at his Dream Girl (because yes, hilariously, Deidara was taller than him).

The blonde shook her head, looking embarrassed. "Oh, no... Not really, yeah. Well...at least not to this extent..."

Kisame had to smirk as Sasori then turned the conversation around and began to speak with Deidara casually. Like old friends catching up, the chatted about new movies coming out and what they were actually looking for in that bookstore anyway. _Go get 'er, man_.

A tug at his sleeve, and Kisame looked down, away from the Kakuzu-Hidan fight.

Itachi's red eyes were intently studying his face, and Kisame blushed. The feeling of having those lovely orbs on him made him nervous all on their own.

"Y-yes?" He squeaked, embarrassed to have his voice fail him so terribly. He coughed and tried again. "Yes?"

Itachi smiled at this, seemingly amused. Yet somehow she seemed to know what she was doing to him with just one glance. She slid an arm around Kisame's, holding his left arm captive. The blue man could only stand in dumb shock as he felt his biceps sliding between Itachi's breasts as she firmly held him in place.

"So, do you want to go out with me later?" Itachi asked, smiling up at Kisame expectantly.

And Kisame floundered around for words, trying to process this whole situation-this whole _afternoon_-and found that nothing about today was ever going to make sense to him in his mind, ever.

He nodded.

**0o0o0o0o**

**This is how things would have probably gone if half the cast was gender-bent.**** Silly, isn't it? xD**

**But oh, I do love Fem!Hypersexual!Itachi. She's loads of fun, isn't she?**** And Hidan, too! So feisty. **

**Anyway, this is all I have to offer at the moment. Enjoy, and if not...oh well!**

**Leave me some love! ^ ^**


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